funny nonethess - again

A little estrogen therapy for the ladies.

Again - in theory this is a real letter.
I got it as a forward.
Really, even if it isn't veritable, who cares?
I laughed quite hard. The sarcasm is great.
I've never been very good at transposing stinkingly
good sarcasm in writing.
She does a great job.
Enjoy.

This is an actual letter sent to the brand manager of
Proctor and Gamble...

AN OPEN LETTER TO MR. JAMES THATCHER, BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER
& GAMBLE.

Dear Mr. Thatcher, I have been a loyal user of your Always
maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their
features.

Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd
probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing,and I'd
certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight,
white shorts.

But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary
Flexi-Wings.
Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how
crucial it is that maxi-pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell
you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's
a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher?
Ever suffered from 'the curse'?   I'm guessing you haven't.
Well, my 'time of the month' is starting right now.
As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently
surging through my body.

Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and
I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call
'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' 
Isn't the human body amazing? As brand manager
in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during
your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo.
Therefore, you must know about the
bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our
intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. 
You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.
In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the
violent urge to shove her boyfriend's balls into a George
Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought
Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that 
America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants ......
Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful
I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus,
I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the
adhesive backing, were these words:
'Have a Happy Period.' Are you f---ing kidding me? 
What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager
brain really think happiness - actual smiling,
laughing happiness - is possible during a menstrual period?  
Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? 
Well, did it, James?
FYI, unless you're some kind of sick freak girl,
there will never be anything 'happy' about a day in which you
have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself
in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens
armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life
in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man.
If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't
it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent,
like 'Put Down the Hammer' or 'Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong'? 

Or are you just picking on us? Sir, please inform your
accounting department that, effective immediately,
there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits,
for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. 
And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for
one minute miss your brand of condescending crap. 
And that's a promise I will keep.   Always.

 Best, Wendi Aarons Austin , TX